What to Do When a Partner Feels Like a Roommate

You and your partner hardly ever fight, but something is missing in your relationship — a sense of being lovers, of passion, of emotional intimacy, of closeness. The pain of missing out on a deep love that feels just out of reach is heartbreaking. And since there are no arguments, no clear history of relationship problems to point to, you’re left wondering, “How did we get here?”

So, How Did We Get Here?

There is an answer to that question. What’s happened here is a pattern of mutual withdrawal.

Instead of having the tough conversations, both partners have learned to shut down their own needs or become “self-sufficient” instead of turning to each other for contact, care, and comfort. Over time, this has led to a pattern in which neither partner leans on the other for their attachment needs to be met, leaving both partners with unmet needs in the relationship.

And the more that needs for closeness go unmet in the relationship, the more each partner learns to cope by turning away. The thinking is, “When I don’t get what I need, I take care of myself.” However, this creates a culture of distance in the relationship; all of a sudden, turning towards each other, leaning on each other, and expressing affection become awkward.

Being stuck in a withdraw/withdraw pattern in a relationship leaves both partners feeling lonely. Without intentional change, these couples tend to become more distant over time, because the more…