Keeping Your In-Laws Out of Your Relationship

One of the most common problems I see as a couples therapist is trouble with the in-laws. In fact, 75% of couples report having problems with an in-law. It can be hard enough to deal with your own parents, let alone your partner’s parents, who may disapprove of you (openly or covertly), be protective of their child (or the opposite, treat their child in ways that make you want to protect your partner), or feel threatening to you or the relationship in some other way. Relationships can be tough, and family dynamics especially can be challenging to navigate; combining your most intimate relationship and your family dynamic can pose its own struggles.

When Your Partner Is Hurt by Your Parent

Something I see often in my office is couples who struggle with how to handle it when an in-law offends. When their parent does something that upsets their partner, I often see the same old pattern ensue — I call this pattern the “That’s not what she meant” dance. When the partner is hurt, the son or daughter sees a rupture in the family happening; a slow unraveling of the relationship between their partner and their parent. They want harmony, and for the family to get along. So, in an attempt to preserve the relationship between parent and partner, they invalidate their partner’s complaints. It could sound something like this:

“It really hurt when your mom didn’t thank me for cooking and called my food too salty.”