How to Deal With Holiday Resentment

We all know the warm, cozy feeling that a Christmas song brings. And…a lot of us also know the annoyance that comes with hearing “Jingle Bells” for the third day in a row. The holidays are often an experience of many mixed emotions — joy, irritation, sadness, anxiety. A time for family means love, laughs, and often, family drama.

As a therapist, I feel so lucky to be let into the worlds of my clients, as it helps me to understand more about the human experience. And one thing I’ve learned is that the holidays can be hard. For many, it is a cherished time, and also an incredibly stressful one.

The most common problem I see around the holidays is an imbalance in reciprocity between family members. One person tends to give too much, while another gives too little. The over-giver could be giving too much in terms of gift-giving, but more often I see this overgiving as a giving of too much time or energy. For example, the over-giver might end up doing all of the planning, cooking, cleaning, etc., but end up building resentment because the relationship is not fair.

To avoid holiday resentment and imbalance, it’s important to learn assertive communication. Assertive communication respects both the needs of self and the needs of others, while a passive communication style gives the message, “My needs aren’t important, only yours are, let’s do what you want,” and an aggressive communication style conveys, “My needs are the only important thing here, yours aren’t — my way or the highway.” We want to strive…